Cheating is one of the most common reasons why couples break up. It is a phenomenon which is becoming more and more widespread everyday. Infidelity is so common that it makes me wonder if it’s even possible for one to be in a relationship without being either guilty or a victim of it. I’ve been thinking about why people cheat, why it is so widespread and how one is to prevent it. Following are some of my conclusions.
There is one fact that I am certain of. Everyone is capable of and has the desire and potential to cheat. It’s a part of human nature and denial of this fact is in my opinion where it all starts. Humans have been created with certain desires that can only cause harm and part of being pious and righteous is to be able to overcome these desires and to rise above them. Man is a social and sexually active animal. It’s only a matter of time before he/she finds someone with whom they are more compatible and from whom they can derive greater sexual gratification; and that is the time when the desire to cheat is ignited. Women are spiritually stronger than men and henceforth have stronger self control which explains why we hear about men committing adultery more often.
Many people think that only certain type of people can cheat. It is true that there are people with lower standards of morality that are more likely to cheat and don’t consider it to be a sin of any kind. However, the truth is that you could be the most righteous person on the planet but still cheat. It might take more for you than it would for someone else, but you are still capable of doing it. One might think that people cheat because there is something missing from their relationship. Maybe the lack of love, trust or sexual satisfaction is what propels them to cheat. While I agree that this is true and many times the main factor, I also believe and know that you could be happily married with no problems in your relationship and still cheat.
So, how is one to prevent cheating if everyone is capable of doing it? Cheating can only happen if you allow for environments in which it can happen to exist. It’s sort of like how bacteria can reproduce and grow only in the right conditions. If you want to get rid of the bacteria you don’t kill it, you just change its environment i.e. add heat to it and the bacteria dies as it cannot exist in the new environment (apologies for any scientific inconsistencies in that analogy). Many times people end up cheating because they were intoxicated at some party and just managed to hookup with someone. If you want to avoid that type of cheating, avoid going to places like that or just don’t drink.
Here’s the second fact that I am certain about. There is always someone out there with whom you will be more compatible and will have better chemistry with. There is always something missing from a relationship and things are never perfect. In other words, you can always do better. This is something that people wouldn’t be willing to recognize because it takes away the specialness of the relationship and they probably shouldn’t. But it’s something that people need to be aware of. When you commit to someone you shouldn’t be under the illusion that you are committing to them because they are the perfect person for you, rather its because you love them for what they are. There is someone out there who is ‘perfecter’ than this person but you shouldn’t want perfect, you should want THAT person.
The reason I mention that second fact is because people have this attitude where they tell themselves that since they are with the perfect person there is no way they could cheat, since there is no one else they could get along with. That, however, is not true and it’s only a matter of time before they run into someone better. In order to prevent cheating, couples need to put limits and barriers on themselves. Rules such as ‘don’t spend time alone with the opposite sex’ are important. This may sound extreme to some people but when two people spend a whole lot of time together, feelings will inevitably develop. And more often than not, people tend to act on these feelings. The Prophet Muhammad is right when he says that two people of the opposite sex are never really alone, the third person is Satan who is pushing them to give into their desires. People need to recognize these things as it is the denial of our own true nature that leads to cheating.
It’s important to find a moderate ground when coming up with limits and barriers. These rules shouldn’t be enforced by the couple on each other as this can result in a very controlling relationship. People should recognize these things and enforce it on themselves. For e.g. instead of your wife asking you to not go for drinks after work with your female co-worker, you should recognize that this ‘friendly’ gesture might lead to something and just not go yourself. One only needs to take these simple and small steps and that I think seems to be a reasonable way to prevent cheating from happening.
May 26, 2009 at 3:26 am
I definitely agree with you that everyone is capable of cheating, as we are all human, and vulnerable at one time or another. As to there being someone out there who is more compatible, absolutely. There is no real mechanism or trick to actually not cheat. I think humans by nature have choices and decisions they make everyday. It’s a matter of self control I guess.
May 26, 2009 at 11:24 pm
“as we are all human”, “not perfect”, “it’s our primal instinct”, all excuses to void our moral obligation, our sense of right and wrong. The minute you allow your mind to engage in self before your significant other, is a sign that you’re missing something in the present relationship. That or your self-centeredness (ego) is more important than the present relationship. Either way, infidelity is a self serving act without an emotional consideration for your significant other. Fix the present relationship or get out and find your soul mate then.
Many believe it is easier to be an infidel rather than facing their problems with the significant other. What precedence do you set in your new relationship, if you should consider them your soul mate? You certainly didn’t set a precedence of trust, because the new relationship began through infidelity! It’s not about self control, it’s about selfishness. You’re only human when you can put the feelings of others before your own, especially where emotional damage can occur. That’s the right thing to do!
June 16, 2009 at 9:52 pm
But…. Do Men Really Cheat….?
June 17, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Despite whether you are a man or woman, the act of infidelity comes to ones mind as wrong, they feel regret and remorse(if they have a conscience.) All the rhetoric about the innate nature of men Vs women, following their needs, still does not negate accountability and responsibility. These are maturity choices available to each gender, over and above despite man or woman’s innate responses. Much like an alcoholic,..once diagnosed an alcoholic, he will always be an alcoholic, however, he/she has to make the choice to drink or not drink based upon the mature choice knowing their life will end up in the toilet if they make the wrong choice.
Are we as humans capable of cheating? No more or no less than we are capable of murder if the circumstances or the environment dictates the need to do so. Again, this boils down to wise and mature choices. Our societal influences have opened up a Pandora’s box of human innate sexual behavior as being acceptable, leaving out the moral characteristics and the resultant emotional turmoil it causes for the mate. This can only be construed more as self-serving rather than innate. We humans as a whole lack moral commitments to ourselves and to our mates due to societal influences. Men and women alike are influenced by friends that say, “go for it” when confiding about their unhappiness in their present relationship, yet find themselves with an opportunity outside the relationship. All for lust, that brings momentary elation and satisfaction. Due to that different experience, man or woman feels a connection because their neuropathways are stimulated and confuse that with a new love, a possible soul mate. Yet, there is the person, you the infidel made a commitment to before God that is awaiting.
In the publishers prose above, I note the use of the terms, “setting limits and barriers.” Although I understand what you are attempting to convey, communication between people in commited relationships should have “understandings” which create personal and emotional boundaries of one another. Not rules, not limits, not barriers, for these terms have negative connotations. Blooming Peaches, you make some extremely good points otherwise. As for diggidee, well, your essay as you call it, sounds more like a school project, opening up the topic for debate about sexual reality in todays society. I would give you an A or B+ for you covered the societal aspect well. I would question what is reality? i.e., Is it that the majority rules, or has society lost sight of reality? Something to think about..
Here’s the bottom line, if you seek sex outside a commited relationship, then you have lost sight of your present relationship. You have withdrawn into self, not about the idea of succumbing to your innate/primal needs. A primal need is easy to overcome if you have mature moral judgement and have the ability to put your mate before yourself. That is an innate response as well, for by design, man and woman were meant to be together in harmony, to compliment one another in beneficial ways. There are only two ways to avoid infidelity, (1) communicate in loving and understanding ways with your mate. If neither of you can come to resolve, then (2) dissolve the relationship before infidelity occurs. It is better to maintain your moral structure and mutually agree that the relationship is not working in beneficial ways, rather than causing the emotional pain through infidelity. Like the old saying goes, “let your conscience be your guide.”
June 17, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Thanks Frank for the extremely detailed response…it deserves to be a post of its own.
I agree with you on that words such as ‘rules’ and ‘barriers’ do have negative connotations and the idea of having an understanding between the couple is more important.
June 17, 2009 at 11:30 pm
I am a former victim of verbal and emotional abuse, as well, experiencing infidelity (both in my marriage of 18 years and with my fiancee of 5 years.) Live and learn…
My blog melove54.wordpress.com, is dedicated as an informational site for abusive relationships, and most of what I have done is my own work. The site is about a month old. I welcome you to visit. Keep up the good work.
March 24, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Stating that women are less likeyly to cheat because they are spiritually stronger is frankly rubbish. That’s like pretending that women can get emotionally once a month because they are weaker than men. Men have raging testosterone not programmed to shut down as soon as he’s in a committed relationship. Women do not. Some men overcome these urges, some don’t but all have the. Women tend to cheat based on emotional rather than physical reasons. ‘Spirit’, if such a thing even exists, has nothing at all to do with cheating in a relationship.
July 15, 2010 at 8:51 pm
you make an interesting point Rob. I guess I hadn’t really thought my statement through when I said that…but the more significant question that you are really pointing to is ‘why men cheat more often than women?’; i wasn’t thinking about that issue when writing this.
Your explanation is that it is because women cheat based on emotional need…it seems to be a plausible reason. I haven’t thought about it or researched it so I can’t say how accurate it is in reality.
Thanks for commenting!