Mississauga, ON: A recent study headed by the renowned social scientist Timothy Wilkinson has made a startling new discovery. Wilkinson’s team interviewed around 200 university students who had recently undergone dramatic relationship fallouts. Most of those interviewed had just ended a long serious relationship with a loved one. Shockingly, the study found one common culprit that was to blame for all of these break-ups: FACEBOOK.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, its Facbook! The social networking site that we are all addicted to, the site on which we naively stalk strangers for hours, the site without which our lives would cease to exist is finally taking its toll on us. Confused? Some of the excerpts from this shocking study should explain.
Mario, who is still recovering from a nervous breakdown, explains why his girl friend of 5 years dumped him. “It was too much for her….she just couldn’t take it anymore. The fact that I didn’t have a picture of the two of us as my display picture just killed her. Hatred and resentment was just building up in her heart for months. She just lashed out on me one night. We had already gone through a huge fight when she forced me to change my relationship status. Why does the whole world need to know who I am dating.???…..Ahhh… how I wish I could go back to 2006… ”
Vanessa also just ended a relationship with here best friend of 18 years. She explained, ‘Ayesha and I have been friends since the first grade. I never thought that a superficial social networking site could come between us. I mean why does it matter that my boyfriend is number one on my top five friend’s list? I just bumped Ayesha down to the second spot just cuz he bumped me up to first on his page. So I figure I’d reorder the list out of courtesy…. I didn’t know it mattered so much to her….why does some fuckin virtual friends list matter to people…..’
Andres story is yet another heart breaker. He wiped the stream of tears that flowed down his cheeks as he explained to us why his parents disowned him. “So…hmm…mmyy… sorry its really hard for me talk right now….just give me a few moments…. So my parents recently got Facebook. My mother sent me friend invite shortly after. I hesitantly accepted. Next thing you know, they disown me after finding out I had changed my religious views from scientology to vegetarianism. I mean Lord Xenu is great but… I just didn’t feel at home there…”
Dr. Wilkinson gives us his insights into this relationship pandemic, “I have successfully identified a new psychological condition, I call it the Facebook Syndrome. We see more and more people being victimized by it everyday. The condition is rooted in man’s egotistic desire for attention. People update their feelings on their statuses right as they change; pictures are posted not to share but to show-off. We are finding that some people now feel obligated to update every bit of personal information about themselves on Facebook. Society expects that from you now, and if you don’t live up to that expectation you’ve commited a sin. If your relationship isn’t Facebook official, its not a relationship at all. I’ve started a new group on Facebook to mitigate the effects of this epidemic. Its called ‘Let’s Ban Facebook!’, please join the group and help combat the Facebook Syndrome.”
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