Written August 2016

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single Muslim man, regardless of possession of a good fortune, is in want of a wife – who is not his first cousin. New mobile applications such as Minder, Muzmatch, SalamSwipe and others are a potential remedy to the limiting options available for young Muslims to meet new people. So, if you’re a gentlemen caller out there looking to court your Elizabeth Bennett, here’s what you can expect to find.

1. The DAP i.e. The Desi American Princess
She loves wearing shalwar kameez; if her pictures are any indicator, that’s all she wears. You’ll see her pose by the grand staircase of her double garage house in a suburb of California, Chicago or Toronto. There is at least one picture of her at a Starbucks. Harry Potter is all she reads. Don’t dare ask her about cooking; her mom’s done that for her this whole time. Weddings are her favourite social outing. In fact, that’s the only reason she wants to get married – so she has date to take to her friends’ nonstop weddings. Just arrive galloping at her house on a white horse and you’ll win her over in no time.

2.The Traveler
All her pictures are somewhere abroad and she’s always carrying a massive backpack. She mainly wants to get married because her parents won’t let her travel alone and she’s sick of having to concoct excuses to leave town. If you need a roommate to cut back on travel costs for your next trip, she’s the one for you.

3. The Professional
Dark pinstripe suits are all she wears. There is usually a picture of her sending emails late at night. She makes far more money than you do and has no tolerance for insecure chauvinists; she’s probably a lawyer, doctor or an executive. Every morning she looks in the mirror and sees the next Amal Alamuddin. If you’re her George Clooney, go get her!

4. The Mipster
She’s too cool for you and way out of your league. Don’t even bother. She only wears ankle-length denim, bright tops and white converse shoes. You can’t tell if that’s a hijab, hat, toque or turban on her head – and never ask her what that is. She models part-time for Louella. Suhaib Webb is her favourite Imam. Ideally, she’d like to go to a Mumford and Sons concert for a night out. She’s probably organizing the next illMuslims event in your city; if you need cheap tickets, this is your girl.

5. The Niqabi
Sister, you are not getting how this app works….

6. The Academic
This one’s probably doing her Phd in Islamic studies at Harvard or McGill and is a self-described ‘sapiosexual’. Before going to bed, she likes to read Sayyid Hossein Nasr and René Guénon – en français, bien sûr. She does a khatm of the Study Quran every month – don’t ever criticize the perennialsim in that work in front of her. Tariq Ramadan and Jonathan Brown have already turned her down since they don’t do poly, so she’s willing to settle for you. You’ll disappoint her no matter what; just try not to be too boring. If you want to impress her, quote from Heidegger’s Being and Time and she just might respond to your message.

7. ‘Serious Inquiries Only’
One question: why so serious?

8.The Pious One
This girl feels guilty for just setting up an account on Minder; she seeks forgiveness every time she swipes. She couldn’t attend a seminary in Syria, so most of her time is now spent studying for Shaykh Faraz Rabbani’s demanding online-classes at SeekersHub. She’s Hamza Yusuf biggest fan and goes to the Rihla every year. All her outfits were bought from Shukr. Her ideal soul mate has spent several years studying in a desert in Yemen, Mauritania or Morocco. If you’re a broke student of knowledge abroad, get to the nearest wifi spot and message her.

9. The Single Mom
This woman loves her kid, like a lot. That’s why she decided to put him in every single one of her pictures. No pressure though. She’s strong, independent and an excellent cook. She can smell a mama’s boy from miles away; so if you are one, don’t go near her or she’ll eat you alive. If you’re looking for a real adult, this one’s a keeper.

10. The Desperate One
Her profile usually goes like “Omg! Omg! I am 25 and still not married. All my friends have kids! I want to move out of my parent’s house… I don’t want to die alone…or be married to my cousin…save me…”

One word of advice: RUN!

11. The Uptown Girl
She’s tired of playing with her high class toys, and she’s looking for a downtown Muslim man – who preferably works on Wall Street. On religion, she describes herself has more ‘spiritual’ than ‘religious’. She probably went to NYU and SoHo is the only place where she shops. You can expect to spend a good chunk of your life at fashion shows, art galleries and operas with this one. She’s all about fine dining, so don’t go near those $5 shawarma parlours. If you want her to say ‘Yes’, just show up with a pair of Louboutin’s and you’ll be set.

12. The 18-year old
Alright kiddo, you need to finish high school first – get off this app!